Old man 82

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by slemperfi, Dec 12, 2012.

  1. slemperfi

    slemperfi Newbie

    Hello. I figured I would modify this last post. I got the information I needed. Thank you Stonewick for your considerate response.
     
  2. stonewick

    stonewick Newbie

    WOW, you are right he would be much better off in a ALF. It is toxic for him to be living with someone who feels the way you do about him. If you have known all this for 40 years some advance planning on your part might have been in order since you knew it would fall back on you and your "busy professional" wife.

    Best of luck to you, your wife and your father. This is one of those very sad situations. I wish my parents were still around, I certainly would not consider them a burden and although my husband has early onset Alzheimer's and I care for him too, I would find a place in my home and life for my parents. You father does indeed sound depressed and perhaps a good evaluation from a Dr. would be a good place to start.
     
  3. suse

    suse Jr. Member

    My heart goes out to you & your wife. None of us have a right to judge another's decisions or motivations. Being a caregiver for a LO is very difficult when there is great love in the mix and under the best of circumstances. When the relationship invovles hurtful baggage from the past how much harder it becomes is evident from your post. Your father will no doubt be better off in an assisted living facility but that at some point is true even when we want to be able to take care of them at home but can't. Is your father a veteran because there is Aid & Attendance Pension he may qualify for . Or if not perhaps Medicaid will be the answer. I had my sister with Alzheimer's visiting for 2 weeks to help my niece out who is her caregiver & running their restaurant. In addition my husband of 79 years has LBD & is at home. It was a very very long 2 weeks and I was happy to send her home. I love my sister & while I would remind myself that she has a disease it did not keep me from being angry, stressed, frustrated and wanting to send her home early. (I didn't). It will be best for all of you if your Dad is in a facility and that does not make you a bad person, rather it makes you human. Susie Mitchell
     
  4. slemperfi

    slemperfi Newbie

    Yes, I figured I would get some mixed reviews here. Thank you for your kind response Miss Mitchell. I tend to see you understand my situation. As for other poster....DO YOU WORK? Or do you live off of your husband's disability? (And previously your parents)? I would see why you'd wish they were still alive. And as far as my "Professional wife" goes, she runs rings around most people. If it weren't for her, her nieces and family wouldn't have education and her sister would be dead by now by her giving thousands of dollars to cover her kidney transplant. She is probably why my father is in my house today. I wish I could see your type of in person face to face to really lay it on you. And lastly Stonewick. Are you saying that you would clean, bathe, take out, feed BOTH your parents with no professional help if they were alive? You really must not work. I would like to see a superman/woman take care of two old people, or just ONE while working full time to keep up a home. Are you saying to quit my job or to take a part time job to take care of my father that has survived on his own till the age of 82? Like I said, I would like to call people like you out on that one straight up to your face.
     
  5. suse

    suse Jr. Member

    We are all hurting & trying to do the best we can with the situation we find ourselves in. Let's not attack each other in our frustration. People can disagree but we need to do it in the right spirit. We all have a common ground & we are all dealing with a lot of pain. We need to be there for each other even when we are not in agreement.

    Suse
     
  6. stonewick

    stonewick Newbie

    lol..Yes, I worked for 36 years and made a comparable salary to my husband as a professional. "WE" live off of "OUR" money, I have never depended on a man or my parents for anything. I started work at 15-1/2 and put myself through school while working full time. My parents were far from wealthy and my point was that I enjoyed a very close loving relationship with my family as oppossed to the very negative one that you posted about your father. It is indeed a very hard job being a caregiver to anyone that you love and know that they are dying regardless of their age. It is a job that I know that I could not do without the love I have for him and we also have a paid caregiver that comes into our home to assist and relieve in the 24/7 hour care that is required. I guess I was in a state of shock about the angry tone your post had about "pushing him around for 6 hrs at the VA hospital", his "working the system" and "blowing his sweet deal". It is very hard to have a person in your home that you are used to having there and by your own admission you have some hard feelings toward your father. However, it was also evident that you care and are trying to get him the help that he requires. Being angry is part of the process and trust me if you are going after the A & A benefits you will need a lot of patience.

    This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, the second was becoming a parent to 2 young nephews and 1 niece at the age of 49 that were headed down a very destructive path. The last graduates from college this year with a double major, Summa Cum Laude. One is in grad school working full time and the 3rd is a partner in a new thriving business.

    When my father was dying, my brothers and sister, and I took turns staying with them to help out. He did not live very long after becoming ill and my mother died six months later very suddenly and did not require long term care. No one person can provide all the care and support that is needed and long term care is sometimes the best option, I just preferred to keep my husband at home until which time it becomes necessary to go into long term care.

    If my parents were still alive and needed my help, I would along with my siblings help and bring them into my home and as I said sometimes an outside caregiver is required

    I am sorry that I offened you, it was just a shock to read your post as opposed to most of the ones that are posted here. I feel for you and know that you are trying the best you can to cope with a very bad situation. In no way, did I mean to hurt your feelings or belittle you. You did make it apparent that you had hard feelings and that makes your situation even more difficult but I honor you in trying your best to help your father.

    Suse is so right, and I did not mean my post as an attack and admit I should have just kept my thoughts to myself. I didn't suggest you do anything but get your father to a Dr, afterall, he is 82. There may be reason he could no longer handle his money and he could have been a victim of elder abuse (where he was living..not with you). It could be many things from just getting older to an underlying cause.

    Again, I am very sorry you thought my post was a direct attack. Under the very best of circustances caring for a loved one is very difficult and I hope that all goes well for you and your family.

    As for calling me out, that seems a bit drastic but if you feel the need, I will be happy to meet you if you are ever in our state and it will be in a very public place.

    Wishing you the best and hoping your quest for benefits goes very quick.
     
  7. suse

    suse Jr. Member

    Great post, Stonewick. I commend you for stepping up, explaining your position & your circumstnces as well as making an amends. It sounds to me like you have stepped up to many challenges. Don't know if slemperfi still wants to meet up but I would if you are ever in East Texas because you sound like someone i would like to know better. God bless you & yours.

    Suse (Susie Mitchell)
     

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